Back to School Tips for Divorced Parents

Whether your divorce was yesterday or a few years ago, reality always seems to come into focus at back-to-school time. As summer winds down, days shorten, and you start looking toward Autumn, heading back to school can become all consuming. Responsibilities that you used to share with a spouse can now fall entirely on your shoulders. This is a stressful time for your kids, too, so it is vital that you do what you can to make the transition as smooth as possible. 

At the Law Offices Of Cara L. Santosuosso, LLC our skilled collaborative divorce lawyers see what you are going through. Emotions can run high, especially if this is a milestone year in your child’s life–it will be harder without everyone being together. That said, it is possible to get through it successfully. Here are our best tips to weather the back-to-school storm and ongoing parental responsibilities across the school year, even in the face of divorce.

Why It Is So Difficult

Back-to-school season is always a stressful time for children and parents, and it can be even more complicated if you are divorced. Depending on your child, starting a new school year can bring a whole range of emotions, from excitement and joy to fear and anxiety. If the divorce is relatively new, then there is also an additional layer that can disrupt the safety net kids should feel at home. It is a given that this time can be fraught with intense feelings.

Besides what kids could be feeling, parents are also under pressure to orchestrate a perfect entrance into school. From buying clothes and other materials to figuring out how the school routine will fit in with increasing work responsibilities or other daily duties, back-to-school time is a lot to deal with. Parents who are still dealing with raw emotions over a divorce or are in the midst of proceedings could be feeling overwhelmed. All the while, they need to be there as counselors and caregivers for their children, helping them to work through sometimes complex or troublesome situations and feelings. If one parent traditionally handled most of the back-to-school needs while married, the new heightened level of responsibility that both parents could feel will only add to the existing stress. Parents will also need to make important decisions about a child’s involvement in extracurricular activities, their health care, and more. 

While from the outside it could look like going back to school is a weight lifted, it can actually end up feeling like a more burdensome time, especially for newly divorced couples. It is vital that children have all the support they need and deserve so that they can make it through your divorce and remain as happy and connected to each parent as possible. 

Keep In Touch

It is a given that issues will come up as you and your former spouse try to navigate all the demands that the school year places on you and your children. The important thing is to stay connected and keep lines of communication open at all times. Your child’s success is the priority, and having both parents on the same page is fundamental to reaching that goal. One way to make sure that you can more easily keep track of schedules and logistics is to use one of many available platforms that allow you to share personal calendars. One often-used and recommended platform is Our Family Wizard.

You can use these services to keep track of anything that relates to your child, such as:

• Extracurricular activities
• Special events
• Medical appointments
• Homework and projects
• School photo days
• Family vacations 
• Religious events

Whichever platform or method you choose, be sure to use it. Regular updates can help you to more successfully manage transportation, schoolwork, extracurricular scheduling, shared parenting time and more.

Committing to open communication and inclusion from the get go can be difficult, but it can most definitely be effective, even in the face of inevitable challenges that come with divorce and shared parenting. Above all else, open communication signals to your child that you both still care and are involved in their life. That alone helps to create a nurturing environment that will help them so much during the trying times they will likely encounter this year at school.

Share Responsibilities

When you were married, the costs for your children’s extracurricular activities, clothes, school supplies and more were likely taken out of the collective family budget. Now that you are each on your own, you will need to discuss who will pay for what, and how much cost sharing is fair, based on your available time and resources. If your child has always been involved in a specific sport or activity, now is not the time to pull them out of it, if at all possible. In order to maintain a level of continuity and the least amount of disruption, it is vital to discuss financial concerns as they relate to your child. If neither one of you can afford certain activities, that is a different matter, but in general, the cost can often be shared so that your child is able to continue in the activities they were used to when you were married.

In some states, school supplies are meant to be paid for using child support funds. That said, the cost for these items seems to increase every year, and you could be left without the necessary resources to pay for them, especially if you are the resident parent. Working out the specifics of what you will do in this situation before it arises will help to avoid a crisis situation and make it less likely that you will get pulled into a conflict over finances. If a parent feels more comfortable paying directly for the supplies, instead of handing the money to their ex-spouse, then they can spend time shopping with their child and paying for their school related needs. This can give everyone some peace of mind and create an opportunity for bonding and relationship building, which is essential for the wellbeing of child and parent alike.

Collaborate When Possible

You will not want to or be able to collaborate perfectly with your ex-spouse at all times. However, when it really matters, this is an important one. If possible, you can both try to be there for your child’s first day of school, especially if the divorce is new. Presenting a united front shows them that you both have their back, and that you both are there for them, come what may. 

When it comes to schoolwork, deadlines and obligations, both parents need to be on board. The duty should not fall on one or the other entirely. Children should have what they need, be it clothing, school supplies, or access to technology, in both homes if possible, so that they can more easily complete assignments. In the end, neglect here can negatively affect your child and compromise their achievement at school if projects are rushed or forgotten due to a lack of communication or involvement. If any sort of illness or health issue arises at their school, keep the non-custodial parent in the loop.

Parent-teacher conferences can be difficult to schedule for even the happiest married couple, so it is a given that attending together as divorced parents could be difficult, to say the least. However, it will send the right message to your child, their teachers, and will help to solidify your shared resolve to do what is in your child’s best interest. It is also often easier on the teachers, who are already under so much pressure. If you absolutely can not make it, see if you can sit in via video call. It is better to get information directly from the teacher than relying on the other parent to accurately relate it, if they even remember to share it. Unless otherwise specified in court documents, both parents have a right to all information about their children.

Another key way to remain collaborative is to share news and pictures of important scholastic or athletic achievements when a parent is unable to be there. Keep them in the loop and show your child that you both care. While you may no longer have much dialogue with your ex’s family, it is important to remember that your child probably does, and when school projects draw from ancestry or family history, it is important to include them. Grandparents should also be made aware of important events in their grandchild’s life and invited to attend if possible.

The school year will always bring teacher in-service days, holidays, weather related and other unplanned cancellations. It is important to discuss ahead of time who will take the children when they are unable to be in school. The same holds true for days when the child may be sick. Having a plan ahead of time can help to mitigate stress and panic. In the end, with everything, flexibility is key.

Take Time To Meet The Teacher(s)

This can feel like just one more thing to add to your to-do list, but it can have real life benefits for both parents and children. If this divorce or separation is new, explaining the bare basics to your child’s teacher can give them valuable background information that could inform how they interact with your child in class. You could also share the basics of custody arrangements, if appropriate, so that they can understand what the child is dealing with and what resources they are working with. Keep communication open, as your child’s teacher spends more time with them than most adults, and can be on the lookout for signs that your child is struggling. This is also a good opportunity to request that both parents will be notified separately of important events or due dates during the school year. Ask for progress reports, letters, report cards and any other forms or notices be sent to both parents individually. When you both have access to the same information you can best help your child to stay on track and succeed this school year.

Do What Is Best For Your Children

The best, most comprehensive advice for divorced parents handling the challenges that the back-to-school season can bring is this: do what is best for your child(ren). When you break this down that can mean avoiding openly discussing money and other stressful or potentially divisive matters in front of your child. Definitely try to avoid arguing openly. Keeping matters private can avoid placing undue pressure on children, and prevent setbacks at school that could result from added stress or anxiety. They already have to deal with the divorce, try not to add another layer of worry if you can avoid it. If it makes sense for your child’s age and maturity level, including them in decisions that affect them directly–like which school activity to be involved in, if they have to be narrowed down–can give them a feeling of empowerment and inclusion.

Doing what is best for your child can also mean compromising or adjusting to meet their changing needs. To know their needs, you need to maintain open communication with them. Help them to know what to say to friends and teachers if the divorce comes up, or how to redirect unwanted questioning, and help them to work through the complex emotions they are most likely feeling. Validation and reassurance that they can openly express themselves will give them the support and sense of comfort they need. When you have regular, meaningful conversations with your child, you will also be able to take note if they are having trouble. If you find they are withdrawn, are not as involved at school, have slipping grades, or are deliberately isolating themselves from friends, they may not be coping well with the divorce and it could be time to involve a mental health professional.

Do not be too worried or quick to react–children take time to adjust. This could take up to a year or more. However, if you are there to empathize and support, you will all be able to get through the toughest times, together. If possible, schedule some fun, quality time before school starts in earnest, or during the extended winter or spring breaks. It could be small or large scale, but if it is done together and with love and attention to their needs, the experience can help to sustain your child during difficult times in the school year.

Alternative Dispute Resolution Options

We will say it again: the best approach for divorced parents looking to minimize stress for themselves and their children, is to get on the same page from the beginning. If that is not initially possible, try to resolve these conflicts and pick your battles. However, if there is a chronic point of contention that you cannot seem to get past, it could be time to bring in an alternative dispute resolution specialist. This individual will help you both to iron out fundamental issues surrounding parenting time, school choice, extracurricular activities and more. You can both share your opinion and your reasons, and then the trained mediator can make a decision that seems to best address the issues at hand. This is a faster way to come to an agreement than a traditional court case. Working with a collaborative divorce lawyer who can act as a mediator is a good first step.

Your Trusted Divorce Attorney In Cleveland, Ohio

As parents, it is only natural to worry about your children and how they will cope with your divorce in the face of a new school year. Better still is to step up and take actionable steps to ensure that the transition is as smooth as it can be. Compromise and open communication are at the heart of your collective success, but if you find that you cannot easily or quickly resolve important matters, you can always reach out to an experienced mediator, like the collaborative divorce lawyers at the Law Offices Of Cara L. Santosuosso, LLC.

Our Cleveland divorce attorneys can help you through seemingly insurmountable parenting conflicts. Together, we can protect your child’s future and ensure that you both act in their best interests. Contact us today to learn more about our services and to schedule your consultation.